August 29, 2020

6:44pm, Exeter Hall Avenue and Loch Raven Boulevard, Baltimore, MD

I spent the day cleaning my apartment as I planned on doing. The lonlies are settling into my mind and heart right now. Today's site is out of my usual routine and typical pathways. I followed a road I was curious about and it led me here. My mind is hashing over shitty things I've said and done in the past. Shitty and racist. At what point is self reflection actually self flagellation? I'm sure my therapist has an answer. When I feel alone, I think I default to finding all my faults as proof of why I am alone. Before recording, I spent some time dancing with my headphones on. As I was jamming I thought about the gym, how to shift some of my current patterns/habits, and fluidity throughout my body. Once I started recording I felt like I retained some of that physical and mental practice. I go through phases where loneliness doesn't exist and then I find myself right back in feeling like the loneliness will persist forever. I cleaned my home. I want to feel satisfied and happy. Lately, watching the daily dances has not been appealing. I am curious to see today's. I think I want and need to see "good moves" to perk up a bit. Day two hundred forty-two.